Let's Hear it for the Boy-Moms!

Musical Intro: Shout by Tears for Fears

Welcome back to another episode of De-Stigma Dialogues! My name is Tamara and I’m your host / guide on this journey. Y’all it was at the end of the last episode’s recording that I realized that I failed to say my name or introduce myself before each episode. I mean I did an introduction last season but I forget that there are new Dialoguers so… Hi I’m Tamara and yes I’m responsible for this community. Thank you for engaging, listening and hopefully continuing the conversation wherever you are in the world, even if it’s in your head. Happy Mother’s Day Past to all mothers, whatever your journey. I intended to air this episode last week so that we could wrap up this topic on Mothers Day weekend. It would’ve been somewhat prolific I think, but I decided instead to be present on that weekend with my family as my present to myself and to you as well. Besides, us mothers all know that Mother’s Day is actually a state of mind and can happen on any day or time really. For me, it’s Mothers Day when I spend any time with my daughter and we are fully present with each other. So take that Hallmark! Anyway, let’s get on with it…

Musical Interlude: Thanks for my Child by Cheryl Pepsii Riley

So as I said last episode, I hoped to come to a place of pause on this topic, but alas, that did not happen because I decided it was important to give each gender and the moms of each gender their own space as I should, and actually as everyone should. Girl moms and Boy moms are their own species and society tends to lump us all together. Yes, there are moms that nurture and raise both genders but I do believe that even with both genders within a home, the raising of each is markedly different. I don’t mean the love and the support or nurturing that is shown but the actual raising of each. I have observed that with family, friends, colleagues, in books, movies, tv series. How a mother teaches and interacts with her children of different genders is different and it should be. Girls and Boys each have different needs, challenges, pressures and expectations from society, their family and themselves.

So this week, it’s all about the boys and something that I’ve often heard used by mothers of both genders is that “Boys are so much easier than girls.” I’m sure you’ve heard it or even said it as well. Something I realized about that phrase is that when I heard it I never really questioned why. I suppose mainly because for me, a mother’s word is law. If she says it, it must be true and who is going to challenge her? Certainly not me. That said, I have come to recognize that my default deference to mothers should at times be more critical and not in the sense of being combative and judgemental but more along the lines of inquisitive… you know inquiring minds blah blah blah.

Now the numerous times I’ve heard this phrase or some iteration of the same, the mother uttering those words would qualify or rather justify it by expanding on their reasoning. I’ve heard that boys are easier because they aren’t as needy. They’re easier because they are less emotional. Boys are easier because they aren’t as sneaky. They are easier because what you see is what you get. They’re easier because you don’t have to watch them that closely. I am sure that I am forgetting a few of them but you get the drift. I believe that these moms are speaking their truth as is every mother when she speaks to her experience and I believe their words should be believed. That said, I wonder how many of these moms are simply echoing a narrative that has been passed down through centuries. I also wonder if these moms recognize that these phrases are perpetuating stigmas against both sexes and reinforcing stereotypes. I wonder if these moms realize that these behaviours of their children are responses to society.

I am a firm believer that words have power and when these phrases are uttered, you inadvertently brand your children. Think about it, how many times have you said something about your child’s behaviour either to them or in conversation that they overheard and then they manifest that behaviour… I know you moms can relate, be honest! As an aside Moms, children are always listening, we tend to think that they’re not paying attention or they’re too young to understand what we’re saying, but take it from me and I am sure many others will concur, they understand everything!!

I remember when my daughter was entering the terrible twos. By the way, the branding of that period as “terrible twos” is another example of what I’m trying to say. We’re all familiar with that period and I know this week it’s all about the boys, but bear with me a second here. As a single mom, wanting to give my daughter the best childhood, which of course we all do. I wanted to change the type of discipline she received as opposed to the discipline I did, so I read and watched all the ‘perfect mom’ videos and books, do y’all remember Supernanny??? Anyway, without even thinking, I started telling my daughter she was bad, or being bad whenever she misbehaved, i.e. she wouldn’t comply with my wishes. I thought I was teaching her the difference between bad and good but my mother pulled me up on it and said not to use the word bad when describing my daughter’s behaviour to her, but instead use the word ‘naughty'. Then Supernanny’s ‘naughty’ corner or step aligned with what my mother told me. So I became more intentional and consistently strived to use naughty instead of bad. All of this rigmarole to say that when we assign behaviour qualifiers to our children we are burdening them with those qualifiers. Boys being told or hearing that they are easier than girls, imbue them with the narrative that girls are difficult. These boys then grow into men who continue to subscribe to that narrative… In retrospect, I can see the wisdom of my mother’s guidance and I acknowledge and recognize that as we evolve, and get older and learn more, our behaviours change. My mother I believe came to that realization later in life but she was able to pass it down to me when I was a new mother. I have since passed it on to my sister and daughter (she’s a cat mom) and even friends. My point is that this phrase and others like it have far-reaching ramifications that go well into adulthood.

I also think that that phrase came about because traditionally the boys fell under the father’s dominion. Traditionally, mothers played a more passive role in the raising of sons as opposed to daughters. Sons went off to do manly things with their fathers and daughters stayed with their mothers to learn womanly ways. Think about it, if you spend less time with someone then yeah, it is easier to be around them. What is kinda now being recognized is that the passivity of the role mothers play in the raising of their sons has enabled the rise of toxic masculinity.

Musical Interlude: The Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin

Now dialoguers you know how much I love a definition so here it is. To quote the Oxford Dictionary toxic masculinity is “a set of attitudes and ways of behaving stereotypically associated with or expected of men, regarded as having a negative impact on men and on society as a whole”. The Cambridge Dictionary expands on this definition by stating, I quote “ideas about the way that men should behave that are seen as harmful, for example the idea that men should not cry or admit weakness”. We are familiar with the men are from Mars tagline. We are familiar with the assignment of gender roles. We are familiar with the toughening up of our boys. I can’t say that I completely disagree with any of it. But as with all things, moderation carries a heavy weight. If a mother coddled her son for too long, she risked him being stigmatized as a mama's boy, which was something to be disparaged many years ago and perhaps even now. And yet, there are mothers that will adopt the ‘boys will be boys’ motto to gloss over any extreme behaviour.

It is true that of late, toxic masculinity has become something of a blanket as far as explaining severe violence and aggression in our boys. It’s become a means of narrowly defining men but also as a get out of jail free card. When we as mothers excuse our sons’ behaviour with “boys will be boys”, these boys grow into men that internalize that narrative and are welcomed into a patriarchal society that re-affirms that and empowers them to become men that believe their behaviour and actions are acceptable and excusable. When we as mothers exclaim boys will be boys, we are rubber stamping that behaviour, insulating the patriarchy and feeding the beast of toxic masculinity.

Musical Interlude: Boys will be Boys by Dua Lipa

To be honest, given today’s landscape, I think it may be more challenging to raise boys simply because society is more vocal when it comes to raising boys and the “mother" is no longer expected to be passive in her role because the spotlight is now fully on her. You know how we, as a society, love to find someone to blame and we can’t blame the men because you know their ‘get out of jail free’ card of having a father that taught them toxic masculinity, and the cycle is complete. Recently the Netflix series, “Adolescence” became a fast hit and hot topic. I won’t go into specifics so as not to spoil it for anyone but it is speaking to toxic masculinity and the role it plays in the raising of our boys. In it, the discourse rarely included the mother’s voice and I wondered about her role in the boy’s upbringing. Another recent Netflix hit, Forever showed the active role the mother took on in jointly raising her two sons with her husband. As a series about a black family, it also addressed the challenges of raising black sons and preparing them for a world that discriminates against them while also setting them up for success. The mothers portrayed in these two series showed the difference and the result that takes place with an active mother. That said, it was for the screen so extremism and idealism factored heavily and I know that in reality, there are varying levels and circumstances but I believe the thesis remains intact.

Also, as I mentioned in the last episode, intersectionality MUST be considered when we converse about motherhood. Economics, Race and Sexuality all play a factor in our responses and reactions to life. I’ve often heard and said that boys learn how to treat women by watching their mothers. Their fathers will consciously and subconsciously provide a template or blueprint for how they should behave and walk through life as a man, but their mothers teach them what is acceptable behaviour towards women through their own responses and tolerance. A man will teach a boy how to be a man, but a woman will teach him how to be an ALLY. Allies are what we, as a society, are in need of and they have to be raised by mothers that do more than JUST think about their sons.

Musical Interlude: Teach Your Children by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

You know up to a certain age, our children’s voices seldom impact the choices and decisions we make for them. We believe that we are doing what’s best and it used to be that our decisions were rarely disputed. With each new generation, our children’s voices become stronger at younger and younger ages. It is something that past generations, like the grandmas and great grandmas and to an extent even us mothers, are grappling with. I’ve said and thought this phrase more than once to and about my daughter, “when I was that age, you think I would ever dream to use that tone, talk to my mother that way… add your own”. What I’ve come to realize is that the discovery of their voices at earlier and earlier ages is a testament to evolution and something to marvel at and pay attention to. The world is not as it was and times are no longer simple. Our children have inherited a dying planet choking on misogyny, selfishness, toxicity, anger and hate. Discovering their voices earlier is how they combat that if we put aside our egos and listen to what they need and we allow ourselves to learn from them. What’s that bible verse, “a little child will lead them.”

Musical Interlude: Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston

We’ve come to that place of pause. Motherhood is many things but chiefly, it is about loving your children despite the opinions and judgement of others. It is about trusting yourself to guide this being into the best possible version of themselves. We are human and we will make mistakes and learn along the way. In fact, I believe that motherhood is the crucible that teaches both the mother and the child how to step into their true potential. It is ever evolving and the epitome of work in progress. I think that we need to lead with grace when it comes to mothers. We all have an opinion and many of us will share them whether or not they are asked for but I pray that we keep in mind that unless we walk in that mother’s shoes, we should reserve our judgement. Remember that however we come to the role of mother, one thing is for certain, our children are our greatest gift to ourselves and to the world and it is up to us to ensure that they are presents and not penalties and that happens when we practice being an active presence.

Thank you again for joining me in this discourse. All episodes are available through the Substack webpage and on Spotify. This week’s newsletter will be in your inboxes on Thursday so keep an eye out. In our next episode we will open the discourse on Intuition. Just a reminder, this season’s big three are Motherhood, Career and Intuition. I believe them all to be interconnected and though Career is probably more closely linked to motherhood, I want to use intuition as a bridge and a bit of a palate cleanser if you will. So next up will be intuition. Again, my name is Tamara and please like, share and continue this conversation with your tribe and with us here in this community. Until next time, be good to yourselves and keep talking out LOUD!

Musical Outro: Shout by Tears for Fears