For most of my life, I too have been susceptible to the malaise of people pleasing and ALL that went along with it. I think I began to emancipate myself from it my 40s, and can I tell you that oftentimes when I stand up for myself, it still feels a bit foreign at times.
As a fellow black woman, any expression of assertiveness or anger catapulted into the 'angry black woman' category. Some men even dared to remark that black women always have a problem, and that's why they will end up alone and the Spanish (there's an influx of Venezuelans into the country) would take all the men....smh
I can relate and sympathize… keep on your path and journey to speaking up for your self without the shackles of fear, recrimination or devaluation… your feelings matter and are valid without having the make gender shame you or belittle you for it! It’s still a work in progress for me but each day I value every step regardless of how small.
Today that step was refusing to smile on command to entertain my male co-worker… make each day count!
I can and do understand so much of this - basically all of what you've written about what goes on when these things are so deeply internalized. It can be so maddening, trying to get out of that straitjacket once we begin to realize that we're in it - and that other women are often there to make sure that we can't get free of it.
One thing I've certainly found is that if/when i (or any other woman) stick up for myself (or another woman), I'm automatically labeled as "aggressive," as someone who doesn't "know [her] place," while men are *expected* to do that as a matter of course.
As for all that apologizing, it's insidious. We undermine ourselves every time we say it when it isn't necessary or called-for. (Of course, there are those times when we do need to do it, when we've actually harmed someone else, but that's a whole different story...)
There definitely is a degree of freedom from worrying about others' expectations that can come as we age - mainly, it seems to come in midlife, either while we're perimenopausal or have already hit menopause. I don't know why this is so, apart from simply having enough life experience to realize that pleasing other people for the sake of being likeable isn't important. But doubtless there are other reasons. Older women aren't really on anyone's radar in our society, which can bring us a lot of freedom. If we choose to take it, that is.
And i know that this must be *so* much harder for Black women + all other women of color, for so many reasons. (Equally, i will never truly understand, b/c of the pass my skin color gives me, whether I'm conscious of it or not.)
It's not just anger that isn't acknowledged, i think. All too often, assertive behavior and speech is not tolerated, and we women are labeled as "aggressive" when we are assertive. Whereas men are applauded for it.
And also- I love the Maya Angelou quote - and I totally agree about the sisterhood stuff- it makes me so mad that, due to their proximity to privilege, some women (mostly white women) choose to side with patriarchy 😡
I do as well! Thing is that it’s not mostly white women, it’s also women of colour who have bred fed the colourism narrative where they align themselves with those outside of their race… regardless I agree with you, it is angering when this happens 😡
For most of my life, I too have been susceptible to the malaise of people pleasing and ALL that went along with it. I think I began to emancipate myself from it my 40s, and can I tell you that oftentimes when I stand up for myself, it still feels a bit foreign at times.
As a fellow black woman, any expression of assertiveness or anger catapulted into the 'angry black woman' category. Some men even dared to remark that black women always have a problem, and that's why they will end up alone and the Spanish (there's an influx of Venezuelans into the country) would take all the men....smh
I can relate and sympathize… keep on your path and journey to speaking up for your self without the shackles of fear, recrimination or devaluation… your feelings matter and are valid without having the make gender shame you or belittle you for it! It’s still a work in progress for me but each day I value every step regardless of how small.
Today that step was refusing to smile on command to entertain my male co-worker… make each day count!
I can and do understand so much of this - basically all of what you've written about what goes on when these things are so deeply internalized. It can be so maddening, trying to get out of that straitjacket once we begin to realize that we're in it - and that other women are often there to make sure that we can't get free of it.
One thing I've certainly found is that if/when i (or any other woman) stick up for myself (or another woman), I'm automatically labeled as "aggressive," as someone who doesn't "know [her] place," while men are *expected* to do that as a matter of course.
As for all that apologizing, it's insidious. We undermine ourselves every time we say it when it isn't necessary or called-for. (Of course, there are those times when we do need to do it, when we've actually harmed someone else, but that's a whole different story...)
There definitely is a degree of freedom from worrying about others' expectations that can come as we age - mainly, it seems to come in midlife, either while we're perimenopausal or have already hit menopause. I don't know why this is so, apart from simply having enough life experience to realize that pleasing other people for the sake of being likeable isn't important. But doubtless there are other reasons. Older women aren't really on anyone's radar in our society, which can bring us a lot of freedom. If we choose to take it, that is.
And i know that this must be *so* much harder for Black women + all other women of color, for so many reasons. (Equally, i will never truly understand, b/c of the pass my skin color gives me, whether I'm conscious of it or not.)
It is true that a woman's anger is either diminished or exaggerated by society but never acknowledged, even more so for women of colour.
It's not just anger that isn't acknowledged, i think. All too often, assertive behavior and speech is not tolerated, and we women are labeled as "aggressive" when we are assertive. Whereas men are applauded for it.
Indeed
Loved it..although I have to say I didn't get the apologize gene..oh well..:)but that gratitude trait yep drop the mike.
I have found that the gene can be recessive in some women and thankfully it seems to be getting weaker with each generation :)
And also- I love the Maya Angelou quote - and I totally agree about the sisterhood stuff- it makes me so mad that, due to their proximity to privilege, some women (mostly white women) choose to side with patriarchy 😡
I do as well! Thing is that it’s not mostly white women, it’s also women of colour who have bred fed the colourism narrative where they align themselves with those outside of their race… regardless I agree with you, it is angering when this happens 😡
Thank you for the correction and insight!!
*been not bred… sorry fat fingers and an iPhone keypad 😖
OMG “crap sunshine on command” 🤣
😂the point is well made though
So perfect!